5 Hilarious Tim Cook and Phil Schiller Quotes During the Apple iPhone 5 Keynote

Posted: September 20, 2012 in Entertainment, Geek Stuff, Random, Social Media


The iPhone 5 has been announced and to be totally honest, it looks like a really solid iPhone, but in the way a Mercedes will always be a really solid car. You’re not really buying anything tremendously new, you’re just buying an upgrade to a device that is essentially the same as its predecessor. Are the new Macs really all that better than the models just before it? Not at all. They’re just a little better. The best news is probably the price reductions of the 4 and 4S, which are basically just as good as 5 but now much more affordable. That being said, Tim Cook and Phil Schiller will not slow down Apple’s Reality Distortion Field which is apparent in the following 5 quotes.

Tim Cook with the iPhone 5

1. “Apple Stores Offer the Best Buying Experience and Customer Service On The Planet” – Tim Cook

The following is a 100% accurate true story experience of going to an Apple Store:

Apple actually has one of the worst retail experiences in the world. First, you walk in and somebody immediately accosts you with “Hi! How can I help you?!”, which is really annoying if you know what you want and just want to do a little browsing first. I’d like to feel a little independent. During the course of your browsing, about 5 more people will ask you “may I help you?” every 2 minutes until you finally cave and accept their help. Now comes the fun part: actually buying something.

Buying something at the Apple store involves standing there while somebody types out your order on their iPod when all they really have to do is just get the package and let you be on your way. But no, they have to stare at a screen while you stand there looking like an idiot and they figure out how to text the guy in the back what you actually want. “Wait, this is a business order? Okay, I’ll have to go get John in business relations.” So now they’re off to find John. Meanwhile, about 5 more employees will come up and ask you “can I help you with something?”. Yes, they’re off to find John from Business Relations. Now you have 5 people off to find John from Business Relations and you’re wondering how many people does this store employee? Thousands? They’re all just running around like Lemmings and you still don’t have the product you want to buy.

Here comes the worst part: finally, John from Business Relations emerges with the posse of 7 people you’ve sent to go find him and he is ready to process your order. After more fumbling with that iPod and getting you to input your personal info (it never registers your Apple ID), you still can’t walk away with your product because you’ve asked for a RAM upgrade, or a “RAM Slam” as they call it. You ask if you could just do it yourself to which they reply “no, sorry”, making you feel even more stupid than you already feel. So now you’ll have to wait 2 hours and come back.

You now leave the store, nothing in hand, and so frustrated that you’re ready to just kill yourself rather than have to go back to that dreaded Apple Store.

2. “Today we’re taking it to the next level. Making a huge leap.” – Tim Cook

This quote is great because the definition of “huge leap” is vastly different to Apple than it is to any of us. Along with this quote, I’d like to also submit the following as runners up to this:

“It’s THE best phone we’ve ever made.”

“I don’t think the level of invention has ever been matched by any other product we’ve done.”

A company would never launch a product and say, “it’s pretty great, but not as great as what we launched last year.” Although the crowd eats these lines up, everyone else in the world is rolling their eyes and trying not to laugh.

3. “It’s the world’s thinnest smartphone.” – Phil Schiller (7.6mm thin)

Wait, isn’t the DROID RAZR 7.1mm thick? That would make it the world’s thinnest smartphone, not the iPhone 5. Maybe this is Phil’s way of making fun of Motorola and Google, saying that the RAZR isn’t a true smartphone. Steve Jobs was really mad about Google coming out with Android because he thought it was a copy of the iPhone. Like George W Bush taking on the hate of Saddam from George Bush Sr., so too does Tim Cook take issue with Google after Jobs.

4. “What makes iPhone 5 so unique is how it feels in your hand. The materials… the remarkable precision. Never before have we built a product with this extraordinarily level of fit and finish.” – Phil Schiller

You know what makes my BlackBerry unique? How it feels in my hands. It just feels different than other smartphones. Hey Phil, you know why? Because it is different. I’m sure the iPhone 5 is a wonderful device in terms of manufacturing and design, like all Apple products, but to say “what makes iPhone 5 SO unique”, means that it’s not really that unique at all.

5. “iPhone 5 and iOS 6: the biggest things to happen to the iPhone since the iPhone.” – Tim Coook

This quote could have gone along with number 3, but it’s just so insane it needs its own section. What does it even mean? It’s like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery.

Honorable Mention: “iPads are being used everywhere by everyone… almost all of the Fortune 500 are testing or deploying iPad. They’re investing in custom apps — something none of them do on the PC!”

Fortune 500 companies do not make custom apps for their organizations on PC? Wait, so they don’t have any in-house software for their IT departments or to interact with their server infrastructure or sales teams? No, this is obviously not true. Fortune 500 companies spend a lot of time and money building in-house solutions and acquiring companies to help grow their in-house solutions. The Reality Distortion Field here is probably centered around the definition of “custom apps”. What’s an app other than just a piece of software? Well if you spoke with someone at Apple, I’m sure you’d get a very convoluted explanation.

Also, “being used everywhere by everyone”. Wow, that’s almost 7 billion iPads!

For great keynote coverage, definitely check out gdgt live.

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